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Personal Essay

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I want to so bad, I want to push. My thumbs ache with tension, and anticipation. They know what is to come, they want it to come. My chest is heaving now, like a mad man’s. Am I mad? I am pushing now. Pushing my dirt clustered thumbs into the sockets of her eyes. She is awake now. The pain she must be feeling is unfathomable. The juices of her eyes are watering out now, dripping ever so closer to the rust dusted floor. I push deeper, harder, with more purpose now. I know what I am doing, but never have I done it before. The outcries of her’s are masked by the deep, monotone, grunting of my own. I haven’t stopped screaming since I began, and I fear now that I never will. I can see the tendons in my thumbs, flexed, and alert. My long uncut …show more content…

I am not coming back here. I do not wish to smell the putrid stench of her rotting dead corpse. This mangled woman, looks better now that I recolored her disgusting yellow eyes.
I am now whispering to her, “Red looks good on you honey…”

I am a madman.

April 21 1863,
Last night after the incident I found myself at the edge of the Hudson. I was washing my hands of the deed they had done. It was over and I didn’t know if I could wash myself of the dirty deed. The bloody, sweaty, deed. I liked it. I hate to admit it, but I loved it. I have never felt so in control, yet so helpless in my life. I want more. I want to know more, and I want to feel more. Now, I am lying on the ground. It’s hard and bumpy. I am afraid that when I get up, I will be even dirtier than when I came to the river. I want to wash myself.

I am getting up. Setting my clean hands against the muddy dirt, I am shoving myself skyward. I am reaching to the sun, flying up. The ground is no friend of mine. Each step I am taking, I need to force myself to take. I am walking along the bay. I hear a noise, the sound of sweet serenity. It is a bar. I need a drink, I need to smother a parrot. I am walking through the door, and I hear the sweet, melodic, tune, sung by none other than a true church-bell. Not even god can save, him. I am looking at the man in the corner booth, he has a pork pie hat on his head. The hat is old, I can tell because of the wrinkles that wonder about the

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