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Why I Want To Bother Others

Satisfactory Essays

I suppose in a way, through some self-correcting instincts I have inherited, the conversation and the thoughts ensuing its end have brought some reality to the actual reality of the situatuion. I am privy to think sceptically but its effectiveness is not, ironically, where my own thoughts and understandings are concerned. This diary of sorts, I hope is not narcisstic. My statement,"I don't want to bother others," is self-serving- espousing narccissim implicitly, but explicitly seeming to be a noble statement. My "logical" deflections and use of english are also narcissitic, which is why my parents are not able to help me or believe in doing so. I have discovered through writing this arbirtrary and spontaneus diary that my thoughts are much …show more content…

I have only known and cared for myself for so long. I only care for my own self-preservation, which infact would be in contradiction to the first statement I refuted. Speaking, acting, or thinking normally seems to be a antithesis to the behaviors and actions I take. I simply don't know or trust anyone else including myself. Not trusting myself is beneficiary to my external behavior- it is perhaps the most self-preservatory course of action even in not being a particularly self-preservatory behavior in principle. What does this leave me with? A hedonist, who cares not for his hedonism nor his redemption. My parents. I make them suffer immensely- money, happiness, hope- all are lost to them. In frustration, they appreciate even still my formal and pretentious manner of speaking. In reality, it is to put in my own words (these recordings hopefully being of a conciousness that appreciates or depreciates everything objectively) all 'BS'. I am not alone- my definition of living 'normally' requires that I live with dependency. This much I have realized exclusively through this diary. Perhaps changing my conception of living normally will afford me the liberty of pursuing the future I wish to

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