Reference > William Shakespeare > The Oxford Shakespeare > Twelfth-Night; or, What You Will
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William Shakespeare (1564–1616).  The Oxford Shakespeare.  1914.
 
Twelfth-Night; or, What You Will
 
Act V. Scene I.
 
The Street before OLIVIA’S House.
 
Enter Clown and FABIAN.
  Fab.  Now, as thou lovest me, let me see his letter.
  Clo.  Good Master Fabian, grant me another request.
  Fab.  Anything.        5
  Clo.  Do not desire to see this letter.
  Fab.  This is, to give a dog, and, in recompense desire my dog again.
 
Enter DUKE, VIOLA, CURIO, and Attendants.
  Duke.  Belong you to the Lady Olivia, friends?
  Clo.  Ay, sir; we are some of her trappings.        10
  Duke.  I know thee well: how dost thou, my good fellow?
  Clo.  Truly, sir, the better for my foes and the worse for my friends.
  Duke.  Just the contrary; the better for thy friends.
  Clo.  No, sir, the worse.
  Duke.  How can that be?        15
  Clo.  Marry, sir, they praise me and make an ass of me; now my foes tell me plainly I am an ass: so that by my foes, sir, I profit in the knowledge of myself, and by my friends I am abused: so that, conclusions to be as kisses, if your four negatives make your two affirmatives, why then, the worse for my friends and the better for my foes.
  Duke.  Why, this is excellent.
  Clo.  By my troth, sir, no; though it please you to be one of my friends.
  Duke.  Thou shalt not be the worse for me: there’s gold.
  Clo.  But that it would be double-dealing, sir,        20
I would you could make it another.
  Duke.  O, you give me ill counsel.
  Clo.  Put your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once, and let your flesh and blood obey it.
  Duke.  Well, I will be so much a sinner to be a double-dealer: there’s another.
  Clo.  Primo, secundo, tertio, is a good play; and the old saying is, ‘the third pays for all:’ the triplex, sir, is a good tripping measure; or the bells of Saint Bennet, sir, may put you in mind; one, two, three.        25
  Duke.  You can fool no more money out of me at this throw: if you will let your lady know I am here to speak with her, and bring her along with you, it may a wake my bounty further.
  Clo.  Marry, sir, lullaby to your bounty till I come again. I go, sir; but I would not have you to think that my desire of having is the sin of covetousness; but as you say, sir, let your bounty take a nap, I will awake it anon.  [Exit.
  Vio.  Here comes the man, sir, that did rescue me.
 
Enter ANTONIO and Officers.
  Duke.  That face of his I do remember well;        30
Yet when I saw it last, it was besmear’d
As black as Vulcan in the smoke of war.
A bawbling vessel was he captain of,
For shallow draught and hulk unprizable;
With which such scathful grapple did he make        35
With the most noble bottom of our fleet,
That very envy and the tongue of loss
Cried fame and honour on him. What’s the matter?
  First Off.  Orsino, this is that Antonio
That took the Phœnix and her fraught from Candy;        40
And this is he that did the Tiger board,
When your young nephew Titus lost his leg.
Here in the streets, desperate of shame and state,
In private brabble did we apprehend him.
  Vio.  He did me kindness, sir, drew on my side;        45
But in conclusion put strange speech upon me:
I know not what ’twas but distraction.
  Duke.  Notable pirate! thou salt-water thief!
What foolish boldness brought thee to their mercies
Whom thou, in terms so bloody and so dear,        50
Hast made thine enemies?
  Ant.        Orsino, noble sir,
Be pleas’d that I shake off these names you give me:
Antonio never yet was thief or pirate,
Though I confess, on base and ground enough,        55
Orsino’s enemy. A witchcraft drew me hither:
That most ingrateful boy there by your side,
From the rude sea’s enrag’d and foamy mouth
Did I redeem; a wrack past hope he was:
His life I gave him, and did thereto add        60
My love, without retention or restraint,
All his in dedication; for his sake
Did I expose myself, pure for his love,
Into the danger of this adverse town;
Drew to defend him when he was beset:        65
Where being apprehended, his false cunning,
Not meaning to partake with me in danger,
Taught him to face me out of his acquaintance,
And grew a twenty years removed thing
While one would wink, denied me mine own purse,        70
Which I had recommended to his use
Not half an hour before.
  Vio.        How can this be?
  Duke.  When came he to this town?
  Ant.  To-day, my lord; and for three months before,—        75
No interim, not a minute’s vacancy,—
Both day and night did we keep company.
 
Enter OLIVIA and Attendants.
  Duke.  Here comes the countess: now heaven walks on earth!
But for thee, fellow; fellow, thy words are madness:        80
Three months this youth hath tended upon me;
But more of that anon. Take him aside.
  Oli.  What would my lord, but that he may not have,
Wherein Olivia may seem serviceable?
Cesario, you do not keep promise with me.        85
  Vio.  Madam!
  Duke.  Gracious Olivia.—
  Oli.  What do you say, Cesario? Good my lord,—
  Vio.  My lord would speak; my duty hushes me.
  Oli.  If it be aught to the old tune, my lord,        90
It is as fat and fulsome to mine ear
As howling after music.
  Duke.        Still so cruel?
  Oli.  Still so constant, lord.
  Duke.  What, to perverseness? you uncivil lady,        95
To whose ingrate and unauspicious altars
My soul the faithfull’st offerings hath breath’d out
That e’er devotion tender’d! What shall I do?
  Oli.  Even what it please my lord, that shall become him.
  Duke.  Why should I not, had I the heart to do it,        100
Like to the Egyptian thief at point of death,
Kill what I love? a savage jealousy
That sometimes savours nobly. But hear me this:
Since you to non-regardance cast my faith,
And that I partly know the instrument        105
That screws me from my true place in your favour,
Live you, the marble-breasted tyrant still;
But this your minion, whom I know you love,
And whom, by heaven I swear, I tender dearly,
Him will I tear out of that cruel eye,        110
Where he sits crowned in his master’s spite.
Come, boy, with me; my thoughts are ripe in mischief;
I’ll sacrifice the lamb that I do love,
To spite a raven’s heart within a dove.  [Going.
  Vio.  And I, most jocund, apt, and willingly,        115
To do you rest, a thousand deaths would die.  [Following.
  Oli.  Where goes Cesario?
  Vio.        After him I love
More than I love these eyes, more than my life,
More, by all mores, than e’er I shall love wife.        120
If I do feign, you witnesses above
Punish my life for tainting of my love!
  Oli.  Ah me, detested! how am I beguil’d!
  Vio.  Who does beguile you? who does do you wrong?
  Oli.  Hast thou forgot thyself? Is it so long?        125
Call forth the holy father.  [Exit an Attendant.
  Duke.        [To VIOLA.]  Come away.
  Oli.  Whither, my lord? Cesario, husband, stay.
  Duke.  Husband?
  Oli.        Ay, husband: can he that deny?        130
  Duke.  Her husband, sirrah?
  Vio.        No, my lord, not I.
  Oli.  Alas! it is the baseness of thy fear
That makes thee strangle thy propriety.
Fear not, Cesario; take thy fortunes up;        135
Be that thou know’st thou art, and then thou art
As great as that thou fear’st.
 
Enter Priest.
        O, welcome, father!
Father, I charge thee, by thy reverence,        140
Here to unfold,—though lately we intended
To keep in darkness what occasion now
Reveals before ’tis ripe,—what thou dost know
Hath newly pass’d between this youth and me.
  Priest.  A contract of eternal bond of love,        145
Confirm’d by mutual joinder of your hands,
Attested by the holy close of lips,
Strengthen’d by interchangement of your rings;
And all the ceremony of this compact
Seal’d in my function, by my testimony:        150
Since when, my watch hath told me, toward my grave
I have travell’d but two hours.
  Duke.  O, thou dissembling cub! what wilt thou be
When time hath sow’d a grizzle on thy case?
Or will not else thy craft so quickly grow        155
That thine own trip shall be thine overthrow?
Farewell, and take her; but direct thy feet
Where thou and I henceforth may never meet.
  Vio.  My lord, I do protest,—
  Oli.        O! do not swear:        160
Hold little faith, though thou hast too much fear.
 
Enter SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK, with his head broken.
  Sir And.  For the love of God, a surgeon! send one presently to Sir Toby.
  Oli.  What’s the matter?
  Sir And.  He has broke my head across, and has given Sir Toby a bloody coxcomb too. For the love of God, your help! I had rather than forty pound I were at home.        165
  Oli.  Who has done this, Sir Andrew?
  Sir And.  The count’s gentleman, one Cesario: we took him for a coward, but he’s the very devil incardinate.
  Duke.  My gentleman, Cesario?
  Sir And.  Od’s lifelings! here he is. You broke my head for nothing! and that that I did, I was set on to do ’t by Sir Toby.
  Vio.  Why do you speak to me? I never hurt you:        170
You drew your sword upon me without cause;
But I bespake you fair, and hurt you not.
  Sir And.  If a bloody coxcomb be a hurt, you have hurt me: I think you set nothing by a bloody coxcomb. Here comes Sir Toby halting;
 
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, drunk, led by the Clown.
you shall hear more: but if he had not been in drink he would have tickled you othergates than he did.        175
  Duke.  How now, gentleman! how is ’t with you?
  Sir To.  That’s all one: he has hurt me, and there’s the end on ’t. Sot, didst see Dick surgeon, sot?
  Clo.  O! he’s drunk, Sir Toby, an hour agone: his eyes were set at eight i’ the morning.
  Sir To.  Then he’s a rogue, and a passy-measures pavin. I hate a drunken rogue.
  Oli.  Away with him! Who hath made this havoc with them?        180
  Sir And.  I’ll help you, Sir Toby, because we’ll be dressed together.
  Sir To.  Will you help? an ass-head and a coxcomb and a knave, a thin-faced knave, a gull!
  Oli.  Get him to bed, and let his hurt be look’d to.  [Exeunt Clown, FABIAN, SIR TOBY, and SIR ANDREW.
 
Enter SEBASTIAN.
  Seb.  I am sorry, madam, I have hurt your kinsman;        185
But, had it been the brother of my blood,
I must have done no less with wit and safety.
You throw a strange regard upon me, and by that
I do perceive it hath offended you:
Pardon me, sweet one, even for the vows        190
We made each other but so late ago.
  Duke.  One face, one voice, one habit, and two persons;
A natural perspective, that is, and is not!
  Seb.  Antonio! O my dear Antonio!
How have the hours rack’d and tortur’d me        195
Since I have lost thee!
  Ant.  Sebastian are you?
  Seb.        Fear’st thou that, Antonio?
  Ant.  How have you made division of yourself?
An apple cleft in two is not more twin        200
Than these two creatures. Which is Sebastian?
  Oli.  Most wonderful!
  Seb.  Do I stand there? I never had a brother;
Nor can there be that deity in my nature,
Of here and every where. I had a sister,        205
Whom the blind waves and surges have devour’d.
Of charity, what kin are you to me?
What countryman? what name? what parentage
  Vio.  Of Messaline: Sebastian was my father;
Such a Sebastian was my brother too,        210
So went he suited to his watery tomb.
If spirits can assume both form and suit
You come to fright us.
  Seb.        A spirit I am indeed;
But am in that dimension grossly clad        215
Which from the womb I did participate.
Were you a woman, as the rest goes even,
I should my tears let fall upon your cheek,
And say, ‘Thrice welcome, drowned Viola!’
  Vio.  My father had a mole upon his brow.        220
  Seb.  And so had mine.
  Vio.  And died that day when Viola from her birth
Had number’d thirteen years.
  Seb.  O! that record is lively in my soul.
He finished indeed his mortal act        225
That day that made my sister thirteen years.
  Vio.  If nothing lets to make us happy both
But this my masculine usurp’d attire,
Do not embrace me till each circumstance
Of place, time, fortune, do cohere and jump        230
That I am Viola: which to confirm,
I’ll bring you to a captain in this town,
Where lie my maiden weeds: by whose gentle help
I was preserv’d to serve this noble count.
All the occurrence of my fortune since        235
Hath been between this lady and this lord.
  Seb.  [To OLIVIA.]  So comes it, lady, you have been mistook:
But nature to her bias drew in that.
You would have been contracted to a maid;
Nor are you therein, by my life, deceiv’d,        240
You are betroth’d both to a maid and man.
  Duke.  Be not amaz’d; right noble is his blood.
If this be so, as yet the glass seems true,
I shall have share in this most happy wrack.
[To VIOLA.]  Boy, thou hast said to me a thousand times        245
Thou never shouldst love woman like to me.
  Vio.  And all those sayings will I over-swear,
And all those swearings keep as true in soul
As doth that orbed continent the fire
That severs day from night.        250
  Duke.        Give me thy hand;
And let me see thee in thy woman’s weeds.
  Vio.  The captain that did bring me first on shore
Hath my maid’s garments: he upon some action
Is now in durance at Malvolio’s suit,        255
A gentleman and follower of my lady’s.
  Oli.  He shall enlarge him. Fetch Malvolio hither.
And yet, alas, now I remember me,
They say, poor gentleman, he’s much distract.
A most extracting frenzy of mine own        260
From my remembrance clearly banish’d his.
 
Re-enter Clown with a letter, and FABIAN.
How does he, sirrah?
  Clo.  Truly, madam, he holds Belzebub at the stave’s end as well as a man in his case may do. He has here writ a letter to you: I should have given it to you to-day morning; but as a madman’s epistles are no gospels, so it skills not much when they are delivered.
  Oli.  Open it, and read it.        265
  Clo.  Look then to be well edified, when the fool delivers the madman.
  By the Lord, madam,
  Oli.  How now! art thou mad?
  Clo.  No, madam, I do but read madness: an your ladyship will have it as it ought to be, you must allow vox.
  Oli.  Prithee, read i’ thy right wits.        270
  Clo.  So I do, madonna; but to read his right wits is to read thus: therefore perpend, my princess, and give ear.
  Oli.  [To FABIAN.]  Read it you, sirrah.
  Fab.  By the Lord, madam, you wrong me, and the world shall know it: though you have put me into darkness, and given your drunken cousin rule over me, yet have I the benefit of my senses as well as your ladyship. I have your own letter that induced me to the semblance I put on; with the which I doubt not but to do myself much right, or you much shame. Think of me as you please. I leave my duty a little unthought of, and speak out of my injury.
THE MADLY-USED MALVOLIO.    
  Oli.  Did he write this?
  Clo.  Ay, madam.        275
  Duke.  This savours not much of distraction.
  Oli.  See him deliver’d, Fabian; bring him hither.  [Exit FABIAN.
My lord, so please you, these things further thought on,
To think me as well a sister as a wife,
One day shall crown the alliance on ’t, so please you,        280
Here at my house and at my proper cost.
  Duke.  Madam, I am most apt to embrace your offer.
[To VIOLA.]  Your master quits you; and, for your service done him,
So much against the mettle of your sex,
So far beneath your soft and tender breeding;        285
And since you call’d me master for so long,
Here is my hand: you shall from this time be
Your master’s mistress.
  Oli.        A sister! you are she.
 
Re-enter FABIAN, with MALVOLIO.
        290
  Duke.  Is this the madman?
  Oli.        Ay, my lord, this same.
How now, Malvolio!
  Mal.        Madam, you have done me wrong,
Notorious wrong.        295
  Oli.        Have I, Malvolio? no.
  Mal.  Lady, you have. Pray you peruse that letter.
You must not now deny it is your hand:
Write from it, if you can, in hand or phrase,
Or say ’tis not your seal nor your invention:        300
You can say none of this. Well, grant it then,
And tell me, in the modesty of honour,
Why you have given me such clear lights of favour,
Bade me come smiling and cross-garter’d to you,
To put on yellow stockings, and to frown        305
Upon Sir Toby and the lighter people;
And, acting this in an obedient hope,
Why have you suffer’d me to be imprison’d,
Kept in a dark house, visited by the priest,
And made the most notorious geck and gull        310
That e’er invention play’d on? tell me why.
  Oli.  Alas! Malvolio, this is not my writing,
Though, I confess, much like the character;
But, out of question, ’tis Maria’s hand:
And now I do bethink me, it was she        315
First told me thou wast mad; then cam’st in smiling,
And in such forms which here were presuppos’d
Upon thee in the letter. Prithee, be content:
This practice hath most shrewdly pass’d upon thee;
But when we know the grounds and authors of it,        320
Thou shalt be both the plaintiff and the judge
Of thine own cause.
  Fab.        Good madam, hear me speak,
And let no quarrel nor no brawl to come
Taint the condition of this present hour,        325
Which I have wonder’d at. In hope it shall not,
Most freely I confess, myself and Toby
Set this device against Malvolio here,
Upon some stubborn and uncourteous parts
We had conceiv’d against him. Maria writ        330
The letter at Sir Toby’s great importance;
In recompense whereof he hath married her.
How with a sportful malice it was follow’d,
May rather pluck on laughter than revenge,
If that the injuries be justly weigh’d        335
That have on both sides past.
  Oli.  Alas, poor fool, how have they baffled thee!
  Clo.  Why, ‘some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrown upon them.’ I was one, sir, in this interlude; one Sir Topas, sir; but that’s all one. ‘By the Lord, fool, I am not mad:’ But do you remember? ‘Madam, why laugh you at such a barren rascal? an you smile not, he’s gagged:’ and thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges.
  Mal.  I’ll be reveng’d on the whole pack of you.  [Exit.
  Oli.  He hath been most notoriously abus’d.        340
  Duke.  Pursue him, and entreat him to a peace;—
He hath not told us of the captain yet:
When that is known and golden time convents,
A solemn combination shall be made
Of our dear souls. Meantime, sweet sister,        345
We will not part from hence. Cesario, come;
For so you shall be, while you are a man;
But when in other habits you are seen,
Orsino’s mistress, and his fancy’s queen.  [Exeunt all except Clown.
 
SONG.
  
Clo.  When that I was and a little tiny boy,
  With hey, ho, the wind and the rain;
A foolish thing was but a toy,
  For the rain it raineth every day.
  
But when I came to man’s estate,
  With hey, ho, the wind and the rain;
’Gainst knaves and thieves men shut their gates,
  For the rain it raineth every day.
  
But when I came, alas! to wive,
  With hey, ho, the wind and the rain;
By swaggering could I never thrive,
  For the rain it raineth every day.
  
But when I came unto my beds,
  With hey, ho, the wind and the rain;
With toss-pots still had drunken heads,
  For the rain it raineth every day.
  
A great while ago the world begun,
  With hey, ho, the wind and the rain;
But that’s all one, our play is done,
  And we’ll strive to please you every day.
[Exit.    
        350
 
 
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