Bolz. Lets see it. (Reads.) Garments Stolen from Clothes-Line. Birth of Triplets. Concert. Concert. Lodge Meeting. Theatrical Performancequite so, quite so!Invention of a New Locomotive. The Great Sea-SerpentConfound him, dishing up that old sea-serpent of his again! Id like to see the beast served up as a jelly, and himself obliged to eat it cold!Bellmaus, you fiend, whats the meaning of this?
Bolz (very solemnly). Ah, Bellmaus, when we conferred the honor upon you of entrusting you with the manufacture of bric-à-brac for this newspaper, our intention was not that the great serpent should wind itself everlastingly through our columns. By the way, how the deuce did you come to stick that old yarn in again?
Bolz. An excuse, to be sure, but not the best. You must invent your own stories, my dear chap. What are you a journalist for? Make up some Voluntary Contribution, such as General Considerations upon Human Existence, or Dogs on the Public Highways. As an alternative, you might select a blood-curdling tale, perhaps Murder in the First Degree from Sheer Politeness, or else, Six Sleeping Children Slain by a Stoat, or something of the kind. There are so many things which happen all the time, and so many more which dont, that the most conscientious journalist need never be at a loss for news.
Bolz (enthusiastically). Againstby all means, against! All willing hands we want in our own country. Describe Australia as a terrible place; paint it in its true colors, you know, but as black as possible. Say how the kangaroo, rolling itself up into a ball, flies at the colonists head with irresistible ferocity, while the duckbill tweaks at his calves from behind; how the gold-digger is compelled to stand up to his neck in salt water all through the winter, while he never gets a drop to drink for three months in the summer; how the emigrant, if he survives these horrors, at last is eaten up by the thievish natives. Make it all very graphic, and at the end give the latest quotations of Australian wool from the Times. Youll find the necessary books in the library.