It dont make so much diffrence about him, said Mr. Dooley. Whin a mans marrid hes a marrid man. Thats all ye can say about him. Iv coorse, he thinks marredge is goin to change th whole current iv his bein, as Hogan says. But it doesnt. Afther hes been hooked up fr a few months he finds he was marrid befure, even if he wasnt, which is often th case, dye mind. Th first bride iv his bosom was th Days Wurruk, an it cant be put off. Theyse no grouns fr dissolvin that marredge, Hinnissy. Ye cant say to th Days Wurruk: Here, take this bunch iv alimony an go on th stage. It turns up at breakfast about th fourth month afther th weddin an creates a scandal. Th unforchnit man thries to shoo it off, but it fixes him with its eye an hauls him away frm the bacon an eggs, while the lady opposite weeps an wondhers what he can see in annything so old an homely. It says, Come with me, aroon, an he goes. An afther that he spinds most iv his time an often a good deal iv his money with th enchantress. I tell ye what, Hinnissy, th Days Wurruk has broke up more happy homes thin comic opry. If th coorts wud allow it, manny a woman cud get a divorce on th grouns that her husband cared more fr his Days Wurruk thin he did fr her. Hinnissy varsus Hinnissy; corryspondint, th Days Wurruk. Theyd be ividence that th defendant was seen ridin in a cab with th corryspondint, that he took it to a picnic, that he wint to th theayter with it, that he talked about it in his sleep, an that, lost to all sinse iv shame, he even escoorted it home with him an inthrajooced it to his varchoos wife an innocint childher. So it dont make much diffrence who a man marries. If he has a job, hes safe.
But with a woman tis diffrent. Th man puts down ony part iv th bet. Whin hes had enough iv th conversation that in Union Park undher th threes med him think he was talkin with an intellechool joyntess, all he has to do is put on his coat, grab up his dinner-pail an go down to th shops, to be happy though marrid. But a woman, I tell ye, bets all she has. A man dont have to marry, but a woman does. Ol maids an clargymen do th most good in th wurruld an we love thim fr th good they do. But people, especially women, dont want to be loved that way. They want to be loved because people cant help lovin thim no matther how bad they are. Th story books that ye give yeer daughter Honoria all tell her tis just as good not to be married. She reads about how kind Dorothy was to Lulus childher an she knows Dorothy was th betther woman, but she wants to be Lulu. Her heart, an a cold look in th eye iv th wurruld an her Ma tell her to hurry up. Arly in life she looks fr th man iv her choice in th tennis records; later she reads th news frm th militia encampment; thin she studies th socyal raygisther; further on she makes hersilf familyar with Bradsthreets rayports, an finlly she watches th place where life-presarvers are hangin.
Now, what kind iv a man ought a woman to marry? She oughtnt to marry a young man, because shell grow old quicker thin he will; she oughtnt to marry an old man, because hell be much older befure hes younger; she oughtnt to marry a poor man, because he may become rich an lose her; she oughtnt to marry a rich man, because if he becomes poor she cant lose him; she oughtnt to marry a man that knows more thin she does, because hell niver fail to show it, an she oughtnt to marry a man that knows less, because he may niver catch up. But, above all things, she mustnt marry a janius. A flurewalker, perhaps; a janius niver.
I tell ye this because Ive been r-readin a book Hogan give me, about th divvles own time a janius had with his famly. A cap iv industhry may have throuble in his family till there isnt a whole piece iv chiny in th cupboard, an no wan will be the wiser fr it but th hired girl an th doctor that paints th black eye. But ivrybody knows what happens in a janiuss house. Th janius always tells th bartinder. Besides, he has other janiuses callin on him an tis th business iv a janius to write about th domestic throubles iv other janiuses so posterityll know what a hard thing it is to be a janius. Ive been readin this book iv Hogans, an as I tell ye, tis about th misery a wretched woman inflicted on a potes life.
Our hayro, says th author, at this peeryod conthracted an unforchnit alliance that was destined to cast a deep gloom over his career. At th age iv fifty, afther a life devoted to the pursoot iv such gaiety as janiuses have always found nicissry to solace their avenins, he married a young an beautiful girl some thirty-two years his junior. This wretched crather had no appreciation iv lithrachoor or lithry men. She was frivolous an light-minded an ividently considhered that nawthin was rally lithrachoor that cuddent be translated into groceries. Niver shall I frget th expression iv despair on th face iv this godlike man as he came into Caseys saloon wan starry July avenin an staggered into his familyar seat, holdin in his hand a bit iv soiled paper which he tore into fragmints an hurled into the coal-scuttle. On that crumpled parchmint findin a somber grave among th disinterred relics iv an age long past, to wit, th cariboniferious or coal age, was written th iver-mimrable pome: Ode to Gin. Our frind had scribbled it hastily at th dinner iv th Betther-thin-Shakespeare Club, an had attimpted to read it to his wife through th keyhole iv her bedroom dure an met no response frm th fillystein but a pitcher iv wather through th thransom. Forchnitly he had presarved a copy on his cuff an th gem was not lost to posterity. But such was th home life iv wan iv th gr-reatest iv lithry masters, a man indowed be nachure with all that shud make a woman adore him as is proved be his tindher varses: To Carrie, To Maude, To Flossie, To Angebel, To Queenie, an so foorth. De Bonipoort in his cillybrated Mimores, in which he tells ivrything unpleasant he see or heerd in his frinds houses, gives a sthrikin pitcher iv a scene that happened befure his eyes. Afther a few basins iv absceenthe in th reev gosh, says he, Parnassy invited us home to dinner. Sivral iv th bum vivonts was hard to wake up, but finlly we arrived at th handsome cellar where our gr-reat frind had installed his unworthy famly. Ivrything pinted to th admirable taste iv th thrue artist. Th tub, th washboard, th biler singin on th fire, th neighbors washin dancin on the clothes-rack, were all in keepin with th best ideels iv what a potes home shud be. Th wife, a faded but still pretty woman, welcomed us more or less, an with th assistance iv sivral bottles iv paint we had brought with us we was soon launched on a feast iv raison an a flow iv soul. Unhappily befure th raypast was con-cluded a misrable scene took place. Amid cries iv approval, Parnassy read his mimrable pome intitled: I wisht I nivir got marrid. Afther finishin in a perfect roar of applause, he happened to look up an see his wife callously rockin th baby. With th impetchosity so characteristic iv th man, he broke a soup-plate over her head an burst into tears on th flure, where gentle sleep soon soothed th pangs iv a weary heart. We left as quietly as as we cud, considherin th way th chairs was placed, an wanst undher th stars comminted on th irny iv fate that condimned so great a man to so milancholy a distiny.
This, says our author, was th daily life iv th hayro fr tin years. In what purgatory will that infamous woman suffer if Hiven thinks as much iv janiuses as we think iv oursilves. Forchnitly th pote was soon to be marcifully relieved. He left her an she married a boorjawce with whom she led a life iv coarse happiness. It is sad to relate that some years aftherward th great pote, havin called to make a short touch on th woman fr whom he had sacryficed so much, was unfeelingly kicked out iv th boorjawces plumbin shop.
So, ye see, Hinnissy, why a woman oughtnt to marry a janius. She cant be cross or peevish or angry or jealous or frivolous or annything else a woman ought to be at times fr fear it will get into th ditchnry iv biography, an shell go down to histhry as a termygant. A termygant, Hinnissy, is a woman whos heerd talkin to her husband after theyve been marrid a year. Hogan says all janiuses was unhappily marrid. I guess thats thrue iv their wives too. He says if ye hear iv a pote who got on with his famly, scratch him frm yeer public libry list. An there ye ar-re.