Dere was a lot er mugs an womin an kids in de car, an I was tinkin where dey was all goin t sleep, when de Duchess tole me bout de bunks. I taut if wese was all goin t sleep like in de cars when ye come home on de late train from Coney Island, wese might as well stopped t home an saved our boodle.
Say, de train wasnt outter de depot before all de folks in de car was dead onto us, an kinder givin us de laugh, an I says to de Duchess, I says, Wot tell? I says, wot tell? like dat, cause I was feelin like I was a farmer; but I oughtnt feel like a farmer, cause I had on me best close, an de Duchesssay, ye otter seed de Duchess! she was a wonder! Dere wasnt a woman in de car was dressed like er. Sure!
Say, dat give me a fit, an I says t er, says I, Duchess, I says out loud, so dat a dude in de next seat could hear me wot had lost half of is eyeglasses an was pipin us off wid only one glass up t is eye; I says: Duchess, if I feels like puttin me arm round yer waist, Ill put it dere if I has t tump every dude in de car, an t show I was makin no bluff I gives er a kiss as square as ever ye seed.
De Duchess she made a bluff at kickin, but she wasnt kickin very hard, fer wot I says an does goes wid de Duchess, cept bout boodle. She runs de money end. Sure! I aint in it when it comes t de boodle, but in all de odder games Im a dead easy winner.
I dont know wot it was dat made de Duchess so mad, but I taut shed slug dat coonde porter dey calls imcause e asks us first, before any of de odder folks, would we have our bunk made up. Say, I didnt see no casion fer a scrap, so I says to de porter, says I, Seein as how dere aint no tee-a-ter t go to, I says, an dere aint no more meals t eat, an I fergot t order de band round t play, youse may as well get busy an make up de bunk, I says t im, like dat, I says. See?
Den all de folks dey laughed fit t kill deirselfs, cept dat dude, who was lookin out of is window like e hadnt found wot ed lost yet. De Duchess she laughed, too, an said I was a little beast, only she didnt say it like she had er mad on.
When we got t de hotel de mug tells me t register our names on a big book wot was in de office, an den I near had a fit, fer de Duchess has de craziest name ye ever seed, an I never could spell it in a tousand years. But I tinks t meself, I tinks, Wot tell! I tinks, Ill make a grand bluff an deyll never tumble, so I braces up t de register an writes, Duchess, bold as a writin teacher, an den I writes Hortense, cause I can spell dat straight, an den I was stuck; so I just writes La V bold, an scriggled a lot er dinky letters clear cross de page, an on de next line I writes me name clear as print.
De mug behind de counter, wot was de hotel clerk, e turns de book round an e near has a fit, an begins scrapin an bowin an says perlite as a actor, e says: How long will de Duchess Orton La-um-tra-ra stay here? e says, like dat, De Duchess Orton La-um-tra-ra. See? Makin a bluff at de last name cause e couldnt read me writin. See? De Duchess, I says as perlite as im, cause I wasnt onto is game, so I played light, says I, De Duchess leaves dis evenin, I says.
Den e yells out, Front! Show de Duchess up t Parlor One, an all de kids in buttons near breaks deir necks yankin me baggage up-stairs an chasin after de Duchess t fetch er up-stairs; an de clerk says t me: Will er Grace breakfast in er room?
Den all de mugs in de office began sneakin up t de register an lookin at wot Id writ dere, an dey was all near havin a fit over it. I was fraid somebody would ask me t spell de name out, so I chased meself up-stairs, an, holy gee! dere was de Duchess in de swellest rooms in de house, wid a gang of servants settin de table, an puttin flowers in de room, an bowin, an askin wot tell could dey do fer er Grace.
Say, de Duchess is a dead sport, an she was just lookin grand an sayin nottin, but when I comes in she takes me in de nex room an asks wot game Id been up to. I told er de whole game from de start, an when I wus done she taut a while, an den she nearly dies laughin, an says she tumbled t de whole racket. She said de clerk had mistook er for one er dem forn queens wot was goin to Chicago, where dey is havin a big blowout for Columbus, er sometn.
Well, we had breakfast. Say, ye never seed such a breakfast in all yer life! It was wot de Duchess called Dey shunay au la foorshet, but it was up t de limit, just as hard, if it did have a dago name. De funny ting bout it was dat we had de coffee at de end stid er at de fust. I spose Ill have t learn dose dago tricks now.
When wese was done de clerk come up an says would er Grace like t ride t de Falls, an de Duchess made a bluff at not knowin wot e said, an I made a bluff at tellin er in forn talk. I just let out a lot er lingo, an de Duchesssay, she is a sport, sureshe jabbered back widout winkin, an I says t de clerk dat de Duchess would go t de Falls when de carriage was ready.
Say, I aint stringin ye a little bit. When we went downstairs dere was a Victoria wid four horses waitin, an de mayor, or some big mug of de town, got in wid us, an a lot more chased along behind in carriages.
I was gettin rattled, but de Duchess gave me a nudge t brace; an I braced. Eberyting de mug wid us said I pretended to say in dago t de Duchess, an I was tinkin wot tell Id do if e should ring in some dago of is own, but e never. De Duchess would jaw back in er forn talk, an Id make a bluff at tellin de mug wot she said, an I jollied im till de seat wasnt big enough t hold him.
Well, dey took us everywhere, an down a dinky slide railroad wots worse dan de razzle-dazzle at Coney Island, an blowed us off t wine an speeches, an when we got back de Duchess told me t give de big mug a invite t dinner wid us.