Nonfiction > Lionel Strachey, et al., eds. > The World’s Wit and Humor > American
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The World’s Wit and Humor: An Encyclopedia in 15 Volumes.  1906.
Vols. I–V: American
 
Behold the Deeds!
By Henry Cuyler Bunner (1855–1896)
 
(Chant Royal)

I WOULD that all men my hard case might know,
  How grievously I suffer for no sin—
I, Adolphe Culpepper Furguson; for lo!
  I of my landlady am locked in,
For being short on this sad Saturday,        5
Nor having shekels of silver wherewith to pay;
  She has turned and is departed with my key;
  Wherefore, not even as other boarders free,
I sing (as prisoners to their dungeon stones
  When for ten days they expiate a spree):        10
Behold the deeds that are done of Mrs. Jones!
 
One night and one day have I wept my wo;
  Nor wot I, when the morrow doth begin,
If I shall have to write to Briggs & Co.,
  To pray them to advance the requisite tin        15
For ransom of their salesman, that he may
Go forth as other boarders go alway—
  As those I hear now flocking from their tea,
  Led by the daughter of my landlady
Pianoward. This day, for all my moans,        20
  Dry bread and water have been servèd me.
Behold the deeds that are done of Mrs. Jones!
 
Miss Amabel Jones is musical, and so
  The heart of the young he-boardèr doth win,
Playing “The Maiden’s Prayer,” adagio        25
  That fetcheth him, as fetcheth the banco skin
The innocent rustic. For my part, I pray
That Badarjewska maid may wait for aye
  Ere sits she with a lover, as did we
  Once sit together, Amabel! Can it be        30
That all that arduous wooing not atones
  For Saturday shortness of trade dollars three?
Behold the deeds that are done of Mrs. Jones!
 
Yea, she forgets the arm was wont to go
  Around her waist. She wears a buckle whose pin        35
Galleth the crook of the young man’s elbow;
  I forget not, for I that youth have been.
Smith was aforetime the Lothario gay.
Yet once, I mind me, Smith was forced to stay
  Close in his room. Not calm, as I, was he;        40
  But his noise brought no pleasaunce, verily.
Small ease he gat of playing on the bones,
  Or hammering on his stovepipe, that I see.
Behold the deeds that are done of Mrs. Jones!
 
Thou, for whose fear the figurative crow        45
  I eat, accursed be thou and all thy kin!
Thee will I show up—yea, up will I show
  Thy too thick buckwheats, and thy tea too thin.
Aye, here I dare thee, ready for the fray!
Thou dost not “keep a first-class house,” I say!        50
  It does not with the advertisements agree.
  Thou lodgest a Briton with a puggaree,
And thou hast harbored Jacobses and Cohns,
  Also a Mulligan. Thus denounce I thee!
Behold the deeds that are done of Mrs. Jones!        55
 
Envoy
Boarders! the worst I have not told to ye:
She hath stolen my trousers, that I may not flee
  Privily by the window. Hence these groans.
There is no fleeing in a robe de nuit.
  Behold the deeds that are done of Mrs. Jones!        60
 
 
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