DARYA ALEXANDROVNA carried out her intention and went to see Anna. She was sorry to annoy her sister and to do anything Levin disliked. She quite understood how right the Levins were in not wishing to have anything to do with Vronsky. But she felt she must go and see Anna, and show her that her feelings could not be changed, in spite of the change in her position. That she might be independent of the Levins in this expedition, Darya Alexandrovna sent to the village to hire horses for the drive; but Levin learning of it went to her to protest.
What makes you suppose that I dislike your going? But, even if I did dislike it, I should still more dislike your not taking my horses, he said. You never told me that you were going for certain. Hiring horses in the village is disagreeable to me, and, whats of more importance, theyll undertake the job and never get you there. I have horses. And if you dont want to wound me, youll take mine.
Darya Alexandrovna had to consent, and on the day fixed Levin had ready for his sister-in-law a set of four horses and relays, getting them together from the farm and saddle-horsesnot at all a smart-looking set, but capable of taking Darya Alexandrovna the whole distance in a single day. At that moment, when horses were wanted for the princess, who was going, and for the midwife, it was a difficult matter for Levin to make up the number, but the duties of hospitality would not let him allow Darya Alexandrovna to hire horses when staying in his house. Moreover he was well aware that the twenty roubles that would be asked for the journey were a serious matter for her; Darya Alexandrovnas pecuniary affairs, which were in a very unsatisfactory state, were taken to heart by the Levins as if they were their own.
Darya Alexandrovna, by Levins advice, started before daybreak. The road was good, the carriage comfortable, the horses trotted along merrily, and on the box, besides the coachman, sat the counting-house clerk, whom Levin was sending instead of a groom for greater security. Darya Alexandrovna dozed and waked up only on reaching the inn where the horses were to be changed.
After drinking tea at the same well-to-do peasants with whom Levin had stayed on the way to Sviazhskys, and chatting with the women about their children, and with the old man about Count Vronsky, whom the latter praised very highly, Darya Alexandrovna, at ten oclock, went on again. At home, looking after her children, she had no time to think. So now, after this journey of four hours, all the thoughts she had suppressed before rushed swarming into her brain, and she thought over all her life as she never had before, and from the most different points of view. Her thoughts seemed strange even to herself. At first she thought about the children, about whom she was uneasy, although the princess and Kitty (she reckoned more upon her) had promised to look after them. If only Masha does not begin her naughty tricks, if Grisha isnt kicked by a horse, and Lilys stomach isnt upset again! she thought. But these questions of the present were succeeded by questions of the immediate future. She began thinking how she had to get a new flat in Moscow for the coming winter, to renew the drawing-room furniture, and to make her elder girl a cloak. Then questions of the more remote future occurred to her: how she was to place her children in the world. The girls are all right, she thought; but the boys?
Its very well that Im teaching Grisha, but of course thats only because I am free myself now, Im not with child. Stiva, of course, theres no counting on. And with the help of good-natured friends I can bring them up; but if theres another baby coming? And the thought struck her how untruly it was said that the curse laid on woman was that in sorrow she should bring forth children.
The birth itself, thats nothing; but the months of carrying the childthats whats so intolerable, she thought, picturing to herself her last pregnancy, and the death of the last baby. And she recalled the conversation she had just had with the young woman at the inn. On being asked whether she had any children, the handsome young woman had answered cheerfully
This answer had struck Darya Alexandrovna as revolting in spite of the good-natured and pleasing face of the young woman; but now she could not help recalling these words. In those cynical words there was indeed a grain of truth.
Yes, altogether, thought Darya Alexandrovna, looking back over her whole existence during those fifteen years of her married life, pregnancy, sickness, mental incapacity, indifference to everything, and most of allhideousness. Kitty, young and pretty as she is, even Kitty has lost her looks; and I when Im with child become hideous, I know it. The birth, the agony, the hideous agonies, that last moment then the nursing, the sleepless nights, the fearful pains
Darya Alexandrovna shuddered at the mere recollection of the pain from sore breasts which she had suffered with almost every child. Then the childrens illnesses, that ever-lasting apprehension; then bringing them up; evil propensities (she thought of little Mashas crime among the raspberries), education, Latinits all so incomprehensible and difficult. And on the top of it all, the death of these children. And there rose again before her imagination the cruel memory, that always tore her mothers heart, of the death of her last little baby, who had died of croup; his funeral, the callous indifference of all at the little pink coffin, and her own torn heart, and her lonely anguish at the sight of the pale little brow with its projecting temples, and the open, wondering little mouth seen in the coffin at the moment when it was being covered with the little pink lid with a cross braided on it.
And all this, whats it for? What is to come of it all? That Im wasting my life, never having a moments peace, either with child, or nursing a child, for ever irritable, peevish, wretched myself and worrying others, repulsive to my husband, while the children are growing up unhappy, badly educated and penniless. Even now, if it werent for spending the summer at the Levins, I dont know how we should be managing to live. Of course Kostya and Kitty have so much tact that we dont feel it; but it cant go on. Theyll have children, they wont be able to keep us; its a drag on them as it is. How is papa, who has hardly anything left for himself to help us? So that I cant even bring the children up by myself, and may find it hard with the help of other people, at the cost of humiliation. Why, even if we suppose the greatest good luck, that the children dont die, and I bring them up somehow. At the very best theyll simply be decent people. Thats all I can hope for. And to gain simply thatwhat agonies, what toil! Ones whole life ruined!
From this village, they say, its five miles. The carriage drove along the village street and on to a bridge. On the bridge was a crowd of peasant women with coils of ties for the sheaves on their shoulders, gaily and noisily chattering. They stood still on the bridge, staring inquisitively at the carriage. All the faces turned to Darya Alexandrovna looked to her healthy and happy, making her envious of their enjoyment of life. Theyre all living, theyre all enjoying life, Darya Alexandrovna still mused when she had passed the peasant women and was driving uphill again at a trot, seated comfortably on the soft springs of the old carriage, while I, let out, as it were from prison, from the world of worries that fret me to death, am only looking about me now for an instant. They all live; those peasant women and my sister Natalia and Varenka and Anna, whom I am going to seeall, but not I.
And they attack Anna. What for? am I any better? I have, any way, a husband I lovenot as I should like to love him, still I do love him, while Anna never loved hers. How is she to blame? She wants to live. God has put that in our hearts. Very likely I should have done the same. Even to this day I dont feel sure I did right in listening to her at that terrible time when she came to me in Moscow. I ought then to have cast off my husband and have begun my life fresh. I might have loved and have been loved in reality. And is it any better as it is? I dont respect him. Hes necessary to me, she thought about her husband, and I put up with him. Is that any better? At that time I should still have been admired, I had beauty left me still, Darya Alexandrovna pursued her thoughts, and she would have liked to look at herself in the looking-glass. She had a travelling looking-glass in her handbag, and she wanted to take it out; but looking at the backs of the coachman and the swaying counting-house clerk, she felt that she would be ashamed if either of them were to look round, and she did not take out the glass.
But without looking in the glass, she thought that even now it was not too late; and she thought of Sergey Ivanovitch, who was always particularly attentive to her, of Stivas good-hearted friend, Turovtsin, who had helped her nurse her children through the scarlatina, and was in love with her. And there was some one else, a quite young man, whoher husband had told her it as a jokethought her more beautiful than either of her sisters. And the most passionate and impossible romances rose before Darya Alexandrovnas imagination.
Anna did quite right, and certainly I shall never reproach her for it. She is happy, she makes another person happy, and shes not broken down as I am, but most likely just as she always was, bright, clever, open to every impression, thought Darya Alexandrovna,and a sly smile curved her lips, for, as she pondered on Annas love-affair, Darya Alexandrovna constructed on parallel lines an almost identical love-affair for herself, with an imaginary composite figure, the ideal man who was in love with her. She, like Anna, confessed the whole affair to her husband. And the amazement and perplexity of Stepan Arkadyevitch at this avowal made her smile.