I I DOUBT if ten men in all Tilbury Town | |
| Had ever shaken hands with Captain Craig, | |
| Or called him by his name, or looked at him | |
| So curiously, or so concernedly, | |
| As they had looked at ashes; but a few | 5 |
| Say five or six of ushad found somehow | |
| The spark in him, and we had fanned it there, | |
| Choked under, like a jest in Holy Writ, | |
| By Tilbury prudence. He had lived his life | |
| And in his way had shared, with all mankind, | 10 |
| Inveterate leave to fashion of himself, | |
| By some resplendent metamorphosis, | |
| Whatever he was not. And after time, | |
| When it had come sufficiently to pass | |
| That he was going patch-clad through the streets, | 15 |
| Weak, dizzy, chilled, and half starved, he had laid | |
| Some nerveless fingers on a prudent sleeve, | |
| And told the sleeve, in furtive confidence, | |
| Just how it was: My name is Captain Craig, | |
| He said, and I must eat. The sleeve moved on, | 20 |
| And after it moved othersone or two; | |
| For Captain Craig, before the day was done, | |
| Got back to the scant refuge of his bed | |
| And shivered into it without a curse | |
| Without a murmur even. He was cold, | 25 |
| And old, and hungry; but the worst of it | |
| Was a forlorn familiar consciousness | |
| That he had failed again. There was a time | |
| When he had fancied, if worst came to worst, | |
| And he could do no more, that he might ask | 30 |
| Of whom he would. But once had been enough, | |
| And soon there would be nothing more to ask. | |
| He was himself, and he had lost the speed | |
| He started with, and he was left behind. | |
| There was no mystery, no tragedy; | 35 |
| And if they found him lying on his back | |
| Stone dead there some sharp morning, as they might, | |
| Well, once upon a time there was a man | |
| Es war einmal ein König, if it pleased him. | |
| And he was right: there were no men to blame: | 40 |
| There was just a false note in the Tilbury tune | |
| A note that able-bodied men might sound | |
| Hosannas on while Captain Craig lay quiet. | |
| They might have made him sing by feeding him | |
| Till he should march again, but probably | 45 |
| Such yielding would have jeopardized the rhythm; | |
| They found it more melodious to shout | |
| Right on, with unmolested adoration, | |
| To keep the tune as it had always been, | |
| To trust in God, and let the Captain starve. | 50 |
| |
| He must have understood that afterwards | |
| When we had laid some fuel to the spark | |
| Of him, and oxidized itfor he laughed | |
| Out loud and long at us to feel it burn, | |
| And then, for gratitude, made game of us: | 55 |
| You are the resurrection and the life, | |
| He said, and I the hymn the Brahmin sings; | |
| O Fuscus! and well go no more a-roving. | |
| We were not quite accoutred for a blast | |
| Of any lettered nonchalance like that, | 60 |
| And some of usthe five or six of us | |
| Who found him outwere singularly struck. | |
| But soon there came assurance of his lips, | |
| Like phrases out of some sweet instrument | |
| Mans hand had never fitted, that he felt | 65 |
| No penitential shame for what had come, | |
| No virtuous regret for what had been, | |
| But rather a joy to find it in his life | |
| To be an outcast usher of the soul | |
| For such as had good courage of the Sun | 70 |
| To pattern Love. The Captain had one chair; | |
| And on the bottom of it, like a king, | |
| For longer time than I dare chronicle, | |
| Sat with an ancient ease and eulogized | |
| His opportunity. My friends got out, | 75 |
| Like brokers out of Arcady; but I | |
| May be for fascination of the thing, | |
| Or may be for the larger humor of it | |
| Stayed listening, unwearied and unstung. | |
| When they were gone the Captains tuneful ooze | 80 |
| Of rhetoric took on a change; he smiled | |
| At me and then continued, earnestly: | |
| Your friends have had enough of it; but you, | |
| For a motive hardly vindicated yet | |
| By prudence or by conscience, have remained; | 85 |
| And that is very good, for I have things | |
| To tell you: things that are not words alone | |
| Which are the ghosts of thingsbut something firmer. | |
| First, would I have you know, for every gift | |
| Or sacrifice, there areor there may be | 90 |
| Two kinds of gratitude: the sudden kind | |
| We feel for what we take, the larger kind | |
| We feel for what we give. Once we have learned | |
| As much as this, we know the truth has been | |
| Told over to the world a thousand times; | 95 |
| But we have had no ears to listen yet | |
| For more than fragments of it: we have heard | |
| A murmur now and then, and echo here | |
| And there, and we have made great music of it; | |
| And we have made innumerable books | 100 |
| To please the Unknown God. Time throws away | |
| Dead thousands of them, but the God that knows | |
| No death denies not one: the books all count, | |
| The songs all count; and yet Gods music has | |
| No modes, his language has no adjectives. | 105 |
| |
| You may be right, you may be wrong, said I; | |
| But what has this that you are saying now | |
| This nineteenth-century Nirvana-talk | |
| To do with you and me? The Captain raised | |
| His hand and held it westward, where a patched | 110 |
| And unwashed attic-window filtered in | |
| What barren light could reach us, and then said, | |
| With a suave, complacent resonance: There shines | |
| The sun. Behold it. We go round and round, | |
| And wisdom comes to us with every whirl | 115 |
| We count throughout the circuit. We may say | |
| The child is born, the boy becomes a man, | |
| The man does this and that, and the man goes, | |
| But having said it we have not said much, | |
| Not very much. Do I fancy, or you think, | 120 |
| That it will be the end of anything | |
| When I am gone? There was a soldier once | |
| Who fought one fight and in that fight fell dead. | |
| Sad friends went after, and they brought him home | |
| And had a brass band at his funeral, | 125 |
| As you should have at mine; and after that | |
| A few remembered him. But he was dead, | |
| They said, and they should have their friend no more. | |
| However, there was once a starveling child | |
| A ragged-vested little incubus, | 130 |
| Born to be cuffed and frighted out of all | |
| Capacity for childhoods happiness | |
| Who started out one day, quite suddenly, | |
| To drown himself. He ran away from home, | |
| Across the clover-fields and through the woods, | 135 |
| And waited on a rock above a stream, | |
| Just like a kingfisher. He might have dived, | |
| Or jumped, or he might not; but anyhow, | |
| There came along a man who looked at him | |
| With such an unexpected friendliness, | 140 |
| And talked with him in such a common way, | |
| That life grew marvelously different: | |
| What he had lately known for sullen trunks | |
| And branches, and a world of tedious leaves, | |
| Was all transmuted; a faint forest wind | 145 |
| That once had made the loneliest of all | |
| Sad sounds on earth, made now the rarest music; | |
| And water that had called him once to death | |
| Now seemed a flowing glory. And that man, | |
| Born to go down a soldier, did this thing. | 150 |
| Not much to do? Not very much, I grant you: | |
| Good occupation for a sonneteer, | |
| Or for a clown, or for a clergyman, | |
| But small work for a soldier. By the way, | |
| When you are weary sometimes of your own | 155 |
| Utility, I wonder if you find | |
| Occasional great comfort pondering | |
| What power a man has in him to put forth? | |
| Of all the many marvelous things that are, | |
| Nothing is there more marvelous than man, | 160 |
| Said Sophocles; and he lived long ago; | |
| And earth, unending ancient of the gods | |
| He furrows; and the ploughs go back and forth, | |
| Turning the broken mould, year after year.
| |
| |
| I turned a little furrow of my own | 165 |
| Once on a time, and everybody laughed | |
| As I laughed afterwards; and I doubt not | |
| The First Intelligence, which we have drawn | |
| In our competitive humility | |
| As if it went forever on two legs, | 170 |
| Had some diversion of it: I believe | |
| Gods humor is the music of the spheres | |
| But even as we draft omnipotence | |
| Itself to our own image, we pervert | |
| The courage of an infinite ideal | 175 |
| To finite resignation. You have made | |
| The cement of your churches out of tears | |
| And ashes, and the fabric will not stand: | |
| The shifted walls that you have coaxed and shored | |
| So long with unavailing compromise | 180 |
| Will crumble down to dust and blow away, | |
| And younger dust will follow after them; | |
| Though not the faintest or the farthest whirled | |
| First atom of the least that ever flew | |
| Shall be by man defrauded of the touch | 185 |
| God thrilled it with to make a dream for man | |
| When Science was unborn. And after time, | |
| When we have earned our spiritual ears, | |
| And arts commiseration of the truth | |
| No longer glorifies the singing beast, | 190 |
| Or venerates the clinquant charlatan, | |
| Then shall at last come ringing through the sun, | |
| Through time, through flesh, a music that is true. | |
| For wisdom is that music, and all joy | |
| That wisdom:you may counterfeit, you think, | 195 |
| The burden of it in a thousand ways; | |
| But as the bitterness that loads your tears | |
| Makes Dead Sea swimming easy, so the gloom, | |
| The penance, and the woeful pride you keep, | |
| Make bitterness your buoyance of the world. | 200 |
| And at the fairest and the frenziedest | |
| Alike of your God-fearing festivals, | |
| You so compound the truth to pamper fear | |
| That in the doubtful surfeit of your faith | |
| You clamor for the food that shadows eat. | 205 |
| You call it rapture or deliverance, | |
| Passion or exaltation, or what most | |
| The moment needs, but your faint-heartedness | |
| Lives in it yet: you quiver and you clutch | |
| For something larger, something unfulfilled, | 210 |
| Some wiser kind of joy that you shall have | |
| Never, until you learn to laugh with God. | |
| And with a calm Socratic patronage, | |
| At once half sombre and half humorous, | |
| The Captain reverently twirled his thumbs | 215 |
| And fixed his eyes on something far away; | |
| Then, with a gradual gaze, conclusive, shrewd, | |
| And at the moment unendurable | |
| For sheer beneficence, he looked at me. | |
| |
| But the brass band? I said, not quite at ease | 220 |
| With altruism yet.He made a sort | |
| Of reminiscent little inward noise, | |
| Midway between a chuckle and a laugh, | |
| And that was all his answer: not a word | |
| Of explanation or suggestion came | 225 |
| From those tight-smiling lips. And when I left, | |
| I wondered, as I trod the creaking snow | |
| And had the world-wide air to breathe again, | |
| Though I had seen the tremor of his mouth | |
| And honored the endurance of his hand | 230 |
| Whether or not, securely closeted | |
| Up there in the stived haven of his den, | |
| The man sat laughing at me; and I felt | |
| My teeth grind hard together with a quaint | |
| Revulsionas I recognize it now | 235 |
| Not only for my Captain, but as well | |
| For every smug-faced failure on Gods earth; | |
| Albeit I could swear, at the same time, | |
| That there were tears in the old fellows eyes. | |
| I question if in tremors or in tears | 240 |
| There be more guidance to mans worthiness | |
| Thanwell, say in his prayers. But oftentimes | |
| It humors us to think that we possess | |
| By some divine adjustment of our own | |
| Particular shrewd cells, or something else, | 245 |
| What others, for untutored sympathy, | |
| Go spirit-fishing more than half their lives | |
| To catchlike cheerful sinners to catch faith; | |
| And I have not a doubt but I assumed | |
| Some egotistic attribute like this | 250 |
| When, cautiously, next morning I reduced | |
| The fretful qualms of my novitiate, | |
| For most part, to an undigested pride. | |
| Only, I live convinced that I regret | |
| This enterprise no more than I regret | 255 |
| My life; and I am glad that I was born. | |
| |
| That evening, at The Chrysalis, I found | |
| The faces of my comrades all suffused | |
| With what I chose then to denominate | |
| Superfluous good feeling. In return, | 260 |
| They loaded me with titles of odd form | |
| And unexemplified significance, | |
| Like Bellows-mender to Prince Æolus, | |
| Pipe-filler to the Hoboscholiast, | |
| Bread-fruit for the Non-Doing, with one more | 265 |
| That I remember, and a dozen more | |
| That I forget. I may have been disturbed, | |
| I do not say that I was not annoyed, | |
| But something of the same serenity | |
| That fortified me later made me feel | 270 |
| For their skin-pricking arrows not so much | |
| Of pain as of a vigorous defect | |
| In this worlds archery. I might have tried, | |
| With a flat facetiousness, to demonstrate | |
| What they had only snapped at and thereby | 275 |
| Made out of my best evidence no more | |
| Than comfortable food for their conceit; | |
| But patient wisdom frowned on argument, | |
| With a side nod for silence, and I smoked | |
| A series of incurable dry pipes | 280 |
| While Morgan fiddled, with obnoxious care, | |
| Things that I wished he wouldnt. Killigrew, | |
| Drowsed with a fond abstraction, like an ass, | |
| Lay blinking at me while he grinned and made | |
| Remarks. The learned Plunket made remarks. | 285 |
| |
| It may have been for smoke that I cursed cats | |
| That night, but I have rather to believe | |
| As I lay turning, twisting, listening, | |
| And wondering, between great sleepless yawns, | |
| What possible satisfaction those dead leaves | 290 |
| Could find in sending shadows to my room | |
| And swinging them like black rags on a line, | |
| That I, with a forlorn clear-headedness | |
| Was ekeing out probation. I had sinned | |
| In fearing to believe what I believed, | 295 |
| And I was paying for it.Whimsical, | |
| You think,factitious; but there is no luck, | |
| No fate, no fortune for us, but the old | |
| Unswerving and inviolable price | |
| Gets paid: God sells himself eternally, | 300 |
| But never gives a crust, my friend had said; | |
| And while I watched those leaves, and heard those cats, | |
| And with half mad minuteness analyzed | |
| The Captains attitude and then my own, | |
| I felt at length as one who throws himself | 305 |
| Down restless on a couch when clouds are dark, | |
| And shuts his eyes to find, when he wakes up | |
| And opens them again, what seems at first | |
| An unfamiliar sunlight in his room | |
| And in his lifeas if the child in him | 310 |
| Had laughed and let him see; and then I knew | |
| Some prowling superfluity of child | |
| In me had found the child in Captain Craig | |
| And let the sunlight reach him. While I slept, | |
| My thought reshaped itself to friendly dreams, | 315 |
| And in the morning it was with me still. | |
| |
| Through March and shifting April to the time | |
| When winter first becomes a memory | |
| My friend the Captainto my other friends | |
| Incredulous regret that such as he | 320 |
| Should ever get the talons of his talk | |
| So fixed in my unfledged credulity | |
| Kept up the peroration of his life, | |
| Not yielding at a threshold, nor, I think, | |
| Too often on the stairs. He made me laugh | 325 |
| Sometimes, and then again he made me weep | |
| Almost; for I had insufficiency | |
| Enough in me to make me know the truth | |
| Within the jest, and I could feel it there | |
| As well as if it were the folded note | 330 |
| I felt between my fingers. I had said | |
| Before that I should have to go away | |
| And leave him for the season; and his eyes | |
| Had shone with well-becoming interest | |
| At that intelligence. There was no mist | 335 |
| In them that I remember; but I marked | |
| An unmistakable self-questioning | |
| And a reticence of unassumed regret. | |
| The two together made anxiety | |
| Not selfishness, I ventured. I should see | 340 |
| No more of him for six or seven months, | |
| And I was there to tell him as I might | |
| What humorous provision we had made | |
| For keeping him locked up in Tilbury Town. | |
| That finishedwith a few more commonplace | 345 |
| Prosaics on the certified event | |
| Of my return to find him young again | |
| I left him neither vexed, I thought, with us, | |
| Nor over much at odds with destiny. | |
| At any rate, save always for a look | 350 |
| That I had seen too often to mistake | |
| Or to forget, he gave no other sign. | |
| |
| That train began to move; and as it moved, | |
| I felt a comfortable sudden change | |
| All over and inside. Partly it seemed | 355 |
| As if the strings of me had all at once | |
| Gone down a tone or two; and even though | |
| It made me scowl to think so trivial | |
| A touch had owned the strength to tighten them, | |
| It made me laugh to think that I was free. | 360 |
| But free from whatwhen I began to turn | |
| The question roundwas more than I could say: | |
| I was no longer vexed with Killigrew, | |
| Nor more was I possessed with Captain Craig; | |
| But I was eased of some restraint, I thought, | 365 |
| Not qualified by those amenities, | |
| And I should have to search the matter down; | |
| For I was young, and I was very keen. | |
| So I began to smoke a bad cigar | |
| That Plunket, in his love, had given me | 370 |
| The night before; and as I smoked I watched | |
| The flying mirrors for a mile or so, | |
| Till to the changing glimpse, now sharp, now faint, | |
| They gave me of the woodland over west, | |
| A gleam of long-forgotten strenuous years | 375 |
| Came back, when we were Red Men on the trail, | |
| With Morgan for the big chief Wocky-Bocky; | |
| And yawning out of that I set myself | |
| To face again the loud monotonous ride | |
| That lay before me like a vista drawn | 380 |
| Of bag-racks to the fabled end of things. | |